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| So much can be seen in those little eyes. |
One thing we've heard over and over and over since John passed, is that "God has a plan."
Okay. If you are religious, or believe in God, I'm genuinely happy for you. But if you don't, hearing that over and over is like being told that in a world full of awful evil people, He wanted an innocent child. That is how that sounds to people like myself. Like God is a murderer. He predestined John to be killed by his babysitter.
I used to believe in God when I was child. But as I grew up, I learned that science has disproved many things concerning the Bible and religion. So I put my faith in the idea that this universe is too vast for there not to be something, but not necessarily "God". That is my personal belief. I would NEVER ask anyone to change theirs, for mine. John's death kind of compounded my loss in faith.
I truly believe that what we put into this world comes back to us in the end, and that we are more attuned with nature than religion, if we would only take time to see it.
When I try to discuss these feeling with other people, they will automatically shut me down. They tell me that "God" didn't kill John, only planned his time of death, not the how. But no matter how you word it, you are still implying that God planned on a child being dead before his first birthday. Think about that. He still organized it.
And then people follow that up with "...we will never know why, you just have to trust Him..."
Yes. That instantly takes away my heart ache. I'm just supposed to be okay with my nephews untimely death because God says so. Which would be great, if I were faithful, but I'm not. So all you are doing is rubbing salt in very raw wound. Please forgive what seem like sarcasm. I have openly admitted to my bitterness lately. Don't take it as a personal attack on your beliefs, that is not my intention.
I'm not saying God isn't real. Don't mistake my anger and hurt as saying you are wrong in your beliefs. I'm not. I just don't feel the same. I don't think the same.
Angela has put her heart in God's hands, and I am so happy she has. She needs someone to turn to when it gets really hard. She needs that comfort in knowing that her baby is in a much better place. And I genuinely believe he is in a much better place too. She finds solace in church and prayer, and I would never ask her not to. She is right to believe for herself and for her fat man.
John was as pure as a first winter's snow. He radiated a exuberant beauty from his soul that shined through his smile. We all knew from the first minute that he would be a good baby, and some day a good and kind man. We just sensed that he was good. I was so excited to see how amazing he would be.
When I dream about him as a grown man, I can sense his presence. A grown man John, with the purity of his clean child's soul. That is how I know it is him. The smile, and the soul. That feeling in my own soul...
I was recently discussing this religious conundrum with someone when he stopped me. This man is religious, well not religious, but faithful as he put it to me. After he stopped me he told me a story he heard once. I knew I had to share it with Angela, and the world. I may not have faith in God, but I do believe in the power of our souls.
I share this because I will never understand how Nora couldn't walk away from him that day. I will never understand what compelled that monster to pick him up and do what she did...but this is as good an explanation as I could hope for...
He explained it as follows:
There are seven pure souls on Earth at all times. These souls take many forms from young to old. The soul passes to a new person when one of them passes. These souls are shrouded and protected by Guardian Angels from the evils of this world. Even though they are there to protect the soul, they can't always see the evil, and can't protect the physical being that contains the soul. Sometimes there is evil seeded in a person, invisible to the Angels, and doesn't grow until it gets near one of the pure souls.
He explained that from what he has heard about John, and seen through pictures, he honestly believed John was a pure soul. He believes that his babysitter had an evil seed in her heart, and the more she was exposed to John's purity, the more her evil grew and manifested, until she killed him. He didn't say this to excuse her actions, as they are inexcusable, but to give an answer for the why?...
This story resonated with me, and I knew the power it could hold for Angela's broken heart. During John's services, the Pastor made a point to direct everything at Angela, and I'm glad. She needed to hear him. One thing the Pastor said over and over, and I think that is why this story resonated so deeply, was that John was a pure soul, and guaranteed a spot with God.
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| John and Mommy. |
The first is that while your beliefs are beautiful, not everyone shares them and what you think may be words of wisdom actually cause more grief. Think before you speak to someone that has just suffered a loss. Offer prayers, not God's 'plan'. Leave that between them and God.
The second is that while you can clearly see I do not share in Angela's beliefs, I can keep an open mind towards them. I want her to cling to her faith, keep God on speed dial, because she needs Him and she is so right in needing Him. And while she may believe differently, she has never once condemned me for not agreeing. We discuss it. She prays for me, and I think of her always.
There is so much more pain to grief than just the loss itself. There are emotions and questions, most of which we will never have answers to; some that are too hard to handle. Some people turn to their faith, others to their family.
But mostly please continue to keep her in your thoughts, prayers or however you wish well for others.
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