Friday, July 14, 2017

Little Heart Broke Apart

I broke my bracelet tonight, and sat in my front yard and cried as I looked relentlessly for all the little, tiny pieces.

That little blue beaded bracelet broke my heart when it broke and flew
across the yard.

That little blue bracelet brought on a wave of heartache that I have buttoned up for the past couple of months.

We continue to put on our brave faces. Tell everyone that we are doing okay, that we are getting by. And in all reality we are.  The world continues to spin.  Life continues to move us right along. After what seemed to be an unusually rough week, this just defeated me emotionally. When that bracelet broke I was painfully reminded of why I wear it everyday.

Angela made that little blue bracelet for me shortly after John was killed. She made each of us one. It's made of beads that are layered to resemble angels. For our little angel.

This happened at ten in the evening in the darkest part of the yard. As I was frantically searching the grass with my cell phone light (which is due to be cut by the way) for beads that scattered everywhere my mind began to race. I thought about why it meant so much to explain my sudden panic and fear. And that lead me to think that I wasn't afraid because I broke a bracelet I was afraid of the thoughts of John that followed behind.. things I don't want to think about.. realities we will have to face soon enough. The most terrifying thought that hit me was what if John's last moments were in fear? My fear set my mind into hyper drive. Like my chest heaved it hit me so suddenly. This isn't the first time I've had these thoughts...but it's the first time in a while.

One year. It's coming so quickly. We can't stop time. And it feels like he gets further away from us.

Soon there may be a trial. And details that we have kept locked up for a while, things that we aren't ready to know.. see and hear.. relive. Dark places that we shouldn't have to visit. Thinking about that little blue bracelet sent me into a dark and heartbroken place. I almost forgot what that lump in my throat felt like every time I think about the people that spent those last few hours with our baby. What those hours were like. That anger that makes me shake to the core to know that they stole so much.

I was so excited to meet him.
I'm so frightened, not only for myself, by my family...my sister. His Mommy. I know that the waves of grief we suffer are incomparable to hers. Yet when I texted my Mom and sisters that I was heartbroken and my bracelet was broke. Angela replied "That's okay I can get more to fix it." And she is right..about the bracelet.

I have a broken bracelet, and that will be repaired.

My broken heart...I've lost too many pieces I fear.

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