MommyWeighLess

It's tax season again, and I sat down tonight and began working on my taxes. As I was working through the dependents questions, one hit me right in the heart. The question asks if you had a child die the year before. You don't give that question much thought if you have never been to a child's funeral. That question made me stop and think about how fortunate I am to select no. And how not all of us are quite so lucky. The guilt that ate as me, when I selected no, knowing that a year ago my sister had to select yes. It has been almost a year since Nora was arrested for the 1st Degree murder of my nephew John. If you know us, you know all too well what happened to our baby. If not, you can scan back through several of my other blogs and get a pretty good representation of the nightmare our family has been living in. Photo Courtesy - MichelleRusell.com It's hard to not think about Nora. I have a very vivid imagination, and when I see her face in mugshots I pictur...

I have a little white polka dot keepsake box. I found it at Beall's Outlet , and it only cost $3.99. It was a great bargain, and it is absolutely adorable. Yet, it is a confusing little polka dot box. Full of some of the most cherished, loved, prized memories...and full of some of the most indescribably painful, horrible, unforgettable pain. It's a cute white box with gold polka dots on the outside, and a light pink interior. It has a gold bow on the front. It makes a beautiful dust collector that now resides on top of my dresser, taking precedence over makeup and hair accessories. It sat there empty for a few days before I decided to use it for the purpose in which I bought it; to store some of my most precious keepsakes. Inside are the few items that I get to hold in place of my nephew. The few physical possessions that remind me that he really did exist. That he was more than just a victim. That he was a little pain in the rear while incubating. That he spent the first n...

I have a tough time trying to decide what to share, and what not to share with the world about our loss. So many moments are so intimate or so painful, that writing them is hard, let alone sharing them with a very critical world. My family is very supportive with my blog, and allow me to share. They don't censor, they just leave it up to me. I share because I want the world to know about our baby, I want them to know just how loved he is. He never leaves our minds, and will most definitely always been in our hearts. I want nothing more than to hold that baby. Scoop him up and shower his fat little face with kisses. I dream about John often. I love it when I get to hold him in my dreams. Usually it is the same dream, where I meet him on the dock somewhere, but he is an adult, or he is a baby playing on the beach. I miss him so much it really does hurt. When you wake up and you remember again, and then you try to recall holding him. Fight to pull up a memory of his sweet s...

Do you know what literal heartbreak feels like? A pain so profound that putting it into words seems an impossible feat? So much perfection... I am going to do my best to describe it to you... The moment I heard the words brain dead in reference to John's condition, my heart seized up. I had to protect myself from the pain we were going to have to endure, the tough decisions that lay ahead. It wasn't so much for myself as it was for my family. My sister needed me to be strong so I had no choice but to push my pain aside for the time being.  I remember being so scared of how things would play out that day.  You don't understand the fear like that of seeing a tiny little person you love hooked up to life support, so very fragile and broken.  You don't understand the fear like that of knowing you have to walk away without him. Forever. You don't understand the fear like that of having to watch that tiny person's mother hold him as his ...

Ages 11 months to 13 years and they loved to play together! Dustin said something to me one night that has resonated with me since. He told me that one of the hardest parts about losing John to him, was that Evan lost what was supposed to be his life long best friend. He told me how he loved growing up with a brother to play with. John was supposed to be his buddy, his 'get into trouble and giggle' playmate. He was the only other boy in a swarm of girls. They should be elbows deep in the Christmas tree together, rearranging Grammy's Christmas village... We are all consumed in our lives and trying to deal with our grief right now. Sometimes it is hard to think outside of your own heartache and remember that there are others around you trying to deal with this tragedy themselves. Among us, there are the far more innocent and confused...our babies. The ones that are still here, living, in a very hard and confusing time. We forget in the midst of the sadness that they hav...

I read a Huffington Post blog written by Heather Hucks  titled "Dear NICU Nurse"  and it brought me to tears. I sat on my front porch and cried for her, as I have cried so many times for myself these past few months. It wasn't tears of sadness though, it was tears of joy. Their baby made it, he fought and they fought...and he won! Tucker was a premature baby born at 24 weeks...and this mother shares an amazing bond with some of the most amazing people.  We share a similar bond, only we share it with PICU nurses. I have mentioned the PICU nurses a couple of times in previous blogs, but after reading this heart felt story about the NICU nurses, I knew I had to share our experiences with some of the strongest people we have ever met. Over the course of the two days that John was in the hospital we met so many doctors, nurses, and people that I could never name any one person specifically. I don't know their names, but I would know their faces in a crowded room, and t...

The day John was born...so handsome. I did not know that it was possible for my heart to break again. It has been broken so many times these past couple of months. I share these intimate moments because writing is therapeutic to me, and because I want everyone to understand our grief. To feel like they can share their story in a world where we are all too often told to hold it in for fear of making someone uncomfortable. When Angela shares in her grief, be it social media or text, it breaks my heart all over again. We will never know the depth of her pain. No words she writes will ever truly convey her despair, and it truly hurts my heart. "Enough with the camera lady!" We are there for her, but it's not enough. It's not him. We will never know just how much she aches for him. And that's devastating. We can't help her, all we can do is be there when it hurts the hardest. When she physically needs us to help hold her together. But we can't give h...

I stopped to see a little spot of dirt today, And it was only for a minute. I cried and said I was sorry, For not protecting you that day. It's a tiny little patch. Freshly dug; no stone to mark its place. Sometimes I can't find any comfort there, Other times, I remember your sweet face. There is no solace to be found, At this little patch of dirt, For our hearts are broke, And lay beside you in the ground. -Aunt Wizza I miss him so much. I really do. Every now and then Angela will send me a message, or a picture of John, and I remember again that while my heartache is great, hers is so much greater. She will celebrate her birthday tomorrow, without him. And she is feeling it. We all do. The holidays and special events...well...our hearts just aren't in it this year. We are trying, we have to for our babies, but it is hard to find happy in such a dark time. I did stop to see John the other day. For a brief moment. I don't stay too long, it's s...

Yesterday marked the 2 month anniversary since John passed away. That is eight weeks since we held him last...            ... 60 days since we saw him last...               ... 1,464 hours since we had our last kiss...                  ... 87,840 minutes since we held you close...                     ... 5,270,400 seconds of complete and utter heart break. It feels like an eternity. It is all still so unreal. I spent the day with Angela yesterday, just she and I. It was a really nice day considering where we have landed in life. We had a wonderful lunch together, did a ton of laundry, and just enjoyed each other's company. Angela lives with our parents, and they decided to go on a day trip, leaving her home alone yesterday. She is fine to be alone, but no one realized that it was the 2 month anniversary. It...