Monday, November 7, 2016

Counting the Stars

Yesterday marked the 2 month anniversary since John passed away.

That is eight weeks since we held him last...

           ...60 days since we saw him last...

              ...1,464 hours since we had our last kiss...

                 ...87,840 minutes since we held you close...

                    ...5,270,400 seconds of complete and utter heart break.

It feels like an eternity. It is all still so unreal.

I spent the day with Angela yesterday, just she and I. It was a really nice day considering where we have landed in life. We had a wonderful lunch together, did a ton of laundry, and just enjoyed each other's company. Angela lives with our parents, and they decided to go on a day trip, leaving her home alone yesterday. She is fine to be alone, but no one realized that it was the 2 month anniversary.

It just happened that my dryer was broke. I was too cheap to go to the laundromat, and so I went to Mom's instead to do laundry. I was meant to be there. I loved that we got to have that day. Things have been so unbelievable crazy and hard these last couple of months. It feels like we start to get somewhere in life again, and then something else comes along to take our feet out from under us. So I think yesterday was the universe telling me to slow down, spend time with my sister, and love on our baby.

We talked about him so much yesterday it hurts. But it was a good hurt. They were good and happy memories. We laughed about how his little fat self used to come boot scootin' out of his bedroom with a blankie and sucking his thumb, ready to be scooped up and loved on until nap time. Mommy always gave the best cuddles. He would bypass everyone for Mommy. If Mommy wasn't around it was Grammy.

This was one of the last pictures Angela took of John. He was telling her all about it! 
Notice those two little toofer pegs that had just popped up!

We joked about how he would get mad when he would toddle. He was just getting around good. Taking his first big brave steps. When he would tumble he would get so mad! Or how the morning after Dustin and I kept him for the first time I scooped him up to snuggle in bed with us, and when Dustin rolled over and said "Hey boy", John hollered like he had been pinched! John was used to cuddling in bed with Mommy, but there were no baritone fellows rolling over scaring that patootie out of him! He did not like that one bit!

Needless to say, my heart hurts today. Today more than any day I feel that ache Virginia described. That one where your arms physically long to hold him. Ache to pull him close. Your lips quiver thinking about planting another little kiss on his chubby face. You fingers itch to trace every roll. Every ounce of your being aches to have that baby again.

When I have days like this, I resort back to thinking about Angela. If I feel this heartbroken and does she feel?

I can barely put into words most days how hard it is for us, let alone Angela. That's why I plead with you to keep her in your thoughts, your prayers, whatever it is you do when you seek comfort for those that are hurting. She needs your encouragement and kindness now more than ever.

The hard days are not even upon us yet.

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