Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Fighting For The Holidays

We all knew that the holidays were going to be rough this year. Our family is a little broken now that a major piece is missing, and we just can't get into the holiday spirit. Dustin and I are making an effort at home because our babies aren't going to suffer our sadness. We've hung our outdoor Christmas lights, and we plan on getting a tree this weekend. We always go to Kandy Kane Christmas Treeland in Anthony, Fl. It has become another tradition for our family. 
John's face in this picture!

Kandy Kane really is a charming and sweet experience to share with your family. It is a family owned and operated business. We know the owner's personally which makes the experience all the more richer for us. The farm is actually located a football fields length across from the spot where John is buried. Anthony is a small town, but it is our home. And it really is where our hearts are now.
Photo courtesy of Kandy Kane.
When you make your way onto Kandy Kane the first thing you see is rows and rows of beautiful green Florida Sand Pines, ripe for the chopping...or sawing in this case. There are pines from three foot tall up to twelve foot...possibly bigger. And the best part...YOU GET TO SAW IT DOWN YOURSELF! The kids absolutely love walking through the rows looking for that perfect tree. If a pine tree isn't your cup of tea they also have freshly cut Fraiser Firs. I prefer the fir, but I wouldn't dare take the kids joy in helping saw down our tree!

Evan was done with the pictures at this
point!
It probably seems like we kind of jumped over Thanksgiving, and we kind of have. Our parents are away on vacation, and we decided the whole turkey, potato, and pie thing was an overkill for us this year. We decided we are boiling crab-legs and chowing down with Angela instead! She isn't into the big dinner and lots of company thing right now, and we are totally down for that! Less people means more food for us.

I have always loved Christmas, and I still do. We are happy, even with broken hearts, but while we are as happy as we can be, it can be REALLY hard to be cheery. I plan to take pictures of John with us to the tree farm, like we did at the Pickin' Patch. And while I look forward to it, it makes me incredibly sad as well. I want very much to incorporate John into all of our family traditions, that was my plan when he was alive, and it still is now. It just isn't how it's supposed to be. It shouldn't be pictures of pictures...pictures in which he never ages. 

If you only knew how many times I sighed within each blog. Or cried. 


There are so many moments and emotions I wish I could convey..but it will take a lifetime to sort it all out. One thing I constantly feel is anxious. Like something bad is going to happen, or maybe just something. I can't put a finger on the exact feeling, but it is there. Nagging in the back of my mind. I had this same feeling prior to Halloween, and that day was not good for us. I feel like I'm waiting for the next brick wall and we are going full steam ahead.

The whole point here is that we are trying. Trying to find peace in a world turned upside down. Trying to find solace when we constantly feel anxious. Trying to love others when someone has cruelly taken so much from us. Trying to keep it together. Just trying...and for the most part making it. 

And the holidays require us to try so much harder, and we truly are. I'm looking forward to getting our tree. Sharing that moment with the kids and John. They loved sharing their moment in front of the camera, and I hope they will do it again. I worry that one day, when they are older, maybe they won't want to anymore. We will cross that bridge if we get there, but for now they love him and miss him too. And this is the only way we get to have him with us for the photo ops.

And even though we don't have him for the photo ops, we will always have him in our hearts. Even if in our arms would be better.

Being silly with Aunt Squishy. This is one of my favorite pictures <3

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