Monday, November 14, 2016

I Stopped To Talk To Him

I stopped to see a little spot of dirt today,
And it was only for a minute.

I cried and said I was sorry,
For not protecting you that day.

It's a tiny little patch. Freshly dug; no stone to mark its place.
Sometimes I can't find any comfort there,
Other times, I remember your sweet face.

There is no solace to be found,
At this little patch of dirt,
For our hearts are broke,
And lay beside you in the ground.

-Aunt Wizza

I miss him so much. I really do. Every now and then Angela will send me a message, or a picture of John, and I remember again that while my heartache is great, hers is so much greater. She will celebrate her birthday tomorrow, without him. And she is feeling it. We all do. The holidays and special events...well...our hearts just aren't in it this year. We are trying, we have to for our babies, but it is hard to find happy in such a dark time.

I did stop to see John the other day. For a brief moment. I don't stay too long, it's still too hard. It's not fair that among graves that are 6 foot long...his lays there all of 3 foot. A little raw patch of dirt. It's not our baby. He is not there. But it is the only place we can go when we seek his comfort.

Angela mentioned that she hasn't been there yet. I don't blame her. She will when she is ready, and I wouldn't blame her one bit if she never is. It's like the final goodbye all over again.

It feels like I am leaving him behind again. All alone. We left him alone at Shands the day he passed. We left him alone at Hiers Funeral Home when they needed to prepare his body. We left him alone at the graveside when the crew needed to lower his casket. And now we leave him alone in a grave where we won't get to hold him again. It's kind of like the feeling we all have in our hearts...lonely.

I hold onto the good memories, as tightly as possible.

Like the picture above. This was the day that we took John to the lake, Dustin and I did. He had so much fun, and I'm so grateful we got to have that day with him. This boy was in heaven! He sat between my knees on an inverted chair in the water and just played! He splashed and slammed his face into the water every chance he got! Then we put him in the bed of the truck so he could eat (the picture). He ate so much watermelon and sand I thought he was going to bust. If you look you can see a juice and sand trail on his tummy! My absolute best friend in this whole world was there that day. She loved John so much too. This day really, truly holds a significant place in my heart.

I never sent this picture to anyone, not on purpose, but it just got lost in my millions of pictures. It is the only one I took that entire day. If I could go back, I would have taken a hundred more. It was the only trip he took to the lake. I wish his Mommy could have went, but she was being the amazing Mommy she is, and she was working so that she and John could have a better future.

Is time travel really impossible? I'd give just about anything to go back to this day, even if only for a little while.

It's still so unreal.

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