Thursday, November 17, 2016

Kindness, Truly

The day John was handsome.
I did not know that it was possible for my heart to break again. It has been broken so many times these past couple of months. I share these intimate moments because writing is therapeutic to me, and because I want everyone to understand our grief. To feel like they can share their story in a world where we are all too often told to hold it in for fear of making someone uncomfortable. When Angela shares in her grief, be it social media or text, it breaks my heart all over again. We will never know the depth of her pain. No words she writes will ever truly convey her despair, and it truly hurts my heart.

"Enough with the camera lady!"
We are there for her, but it's not enough. It's not him. We will never know just how much she aches for him. And that's devastating.We can't help her, all we can do is be there when it hurts the hardest. When she physically needs us to help hold her together. But we can't give her what she truly wants. We can't give her back her heart. Not being able to fix this is the hardest part, especially for Dad since he's always been the one to put things back together when they break. Being helpless is one of the hardest emotions to cope with.

Many people have reached out to us to share in their grief. Not to compare their misery to ours, but to let us know that we aren't alone in our suffering. Whether they have lost a child, or know of someone that has lost a child, they've shared their most profound and heavy hearted times. Some have been lost recently, others years ago, but one thing stands true...they are all still here, and they made it through. So I know we will too.

I have a beautiful friend that lost a baby years ago. She has been there for me through all of this. And after all these years, when I saw her after we lost John, I saw the pain in her that I see in Angela. One that even after many years, hadn't gone away. Her heart was still broken. And it broke again for us. I will never be able to thank her or love her enough for pushing aside her pain to let me bear mine. Or to thank her for reaching out to Angela in the most precious of ways. You know who you are, and you are always in my heart.

When I tell you we will never be able to repay the kindness we have been shown through all of this I mean it.

"Hallelujah! She let me sleep!"
I have Angela on my mind all the time. I reach out to her about John. She likes talking about him. Most days anyways. If she doesn't, she will politely let you know she doesn't want to talk about it. Respect that when it happens, but please do not let it deter you from trying to talk to her about him. And as I've said so many times before, I miss that baby, and my heart is broken....but that can't compare to hers. Please keep her in your thoughts. She needs all the love.

Also, I would like to ask that you give another family some love and kind thoughts. A distant relative lost their sweet sweet baby, just here for a short couple of months. It's so unfair to only get to hold them for such a short time. It leaves so many unanswered questions. I just don't know if my heart can handle much more. I will keep them in my heart as they also have to learn to live with a broken heart, and it really is so hard to do. So prayers, thoughts, whatever or whomever you talk to...please mention them. They could use some encouragement.

But most importantly everyone could use a little kindness today. You never know what someone is silently suffering through. Truly.

1 comment:

  1. As always this is beautiful and insightful and raw. And brings me to tears each time I read one of your posts. Please know that so many of us are thinking of Angela and your family. We are helpless to ease your pain, but you are truely in my thoughts on a daily basis.