Monday, February 29, 2016

Feeling Fat, Bloated, Or...?

Every gal has her fat day.

Every gal that read that just nodded in agreement.

Every gal that just read that laughed because they least I like to pretend in my head that you all nodded and laughed...and you might still be laughing now...

But don't fret...I won't quit my day job in hopes for my BIG Comedy Central break! And I won't quit dreaming about it either!

I'm sitting at my desk today, looking down at my massive belly roll hanging over my snug feeling jeans feeling all kinds of un-sexy and fat.

Yup...I feel fat today.

I mean, I am fat everyday, but today is a real exception.

And as I sit here thinking this, and reading back what I have typed about myself whether in dark humor or not, I am very ashamed of myself. I thought about deleting this and going a different direction but realized I have brought an issue up that needs addressed and I need to be honest.

I'm ashamed that I am not thinner. Ashamed that I don't fit into today's stereotypical idea of beauty. Ashamed that even after 30 pounds lost, people still see me as fat. Ashamed that I don't love myself enough, not to care what others think. But mostly ashamed that most women, myself included, think this is acceptable behavior towards oneself.

This is the sad reality of living in today's society as a woman.

This is the impression women get when they open a magazine to a beautifully edited photo of J.Lo or Jennifer Lawrence, who are both amazingly beautiful women without photo-shop. But society says no. They are not good enough. Let us make their hips rounder, waist slimmer, breast fuller...and edit every other little piece of their image so that women can sit and compare themselves to an unrealistic idea of beauty.

This is what women compete with everyday.

Yet we sit around and wonder why young women are having plastic surgery earlier or why women battle body image issues and eating disorders?

Trust me the thought has crossed my mind... what if I just stopped eating? Exercised excessively? Binged? Purged? Ate only veggies? Would I be skinny? Would I be beautiful enough?

The honest answer is no.

I will never be good or thin enough to fit into today's standard of beauty.

Not because society won't think so, but because I won't think so, thanks to the standards that have been set. I am a 26 year old woman, and this is what it does to me living in a world hell bent on imagine what these ideals do to young impressionable girls.

I have been working on fixing myself for a couple of years now, after a life time of self loathing, and you see the progress I have made. I still sit and look at myself with disgust at times. I know my value as a mother and wife is invaluable, and as a person too...but I still battle those little voices in my head that say I'm not good enough.

How do we fix this? Where do we begin?

I honestly do not know. I have no idea where to start other than at home. I catch myself telling Scarlett how beautiful she is quite often ( and she is beautiful ), but I realize I don't tell her that she is also smart, athletic, cunning, articulate, and hilariously sarcastic! Those are important things too, things that will get her much further in life, but things I fail to mention nearly as much as her looks. That is something that I have to work on personally and the first step is to acknowledge that I do it but that doesn't fix the much larger issue; the fact that this is a nationwide problem.

I know I can't fix everything, but I can do my part to make sure that my daughter does not find herself looking in a mirror with the same detrimental thoughts running through her head.

That, to me, is a lifetime worse than my massive belly roll conundrum today.

Which by the way will be gone eventually and replaced with a much better image of myself, literally and emotionally.

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