MommyWeighLess

I have a tough time trying to decide what to share, and what not to share with the world about our loss. So many moments are so intimate or so painful, that writing them is hard, let alone sharing them with a very critical world. My family is very supportive with my blog, and allow me to share. They don't censor, they just leave it up to me. I share because I want the world to know about our baby, I want them to know just how loved he is. He never leaves our minds, and will most definitely always been in our hearts. I want nothing more than to hold that baby. Scoop him up and shower his fat little face with kisses. I dream about John often. I love it when I get to hold him in my dreams. Usually it is the same dream, where I meet him on the dock somewhere, but he is an adult, or he is a baby playing on the beach. I miss him so much it really does hurt. When you wake up and you remember again, and then you try to recall holding him. Fight to pull up a memory of his sweet s...

I'm going to share something with you today, in hopes that it will help some people understand just why my grief over losing John has been so profound. I also want to commemorate another sweet little person we lost this year. This year has been tough, and we have lost so many precious lives... Dustin has a friend, Amber, that I have never met. I've never shook her hand, or hugged her in person, but I love Amber just as much as one of my sisters.  The very first time I spoke with Amber was after she and her husband had suffered a terrible and heartbreaking miscarriage. I didn't know her, but after Dustin's mother told me that Amber had lost both of her twins, fairly late into her pregnancy, I was compelled to reach out to her. I was worried she would think I was a lunatic, someone she didn't even know was reaching out to her during one of her most private and difficult times. But she was sweet, and kind even though she was heartbroken. I offered whatever wor...

Do you know what literal heartbreak feels like? A pain so profound that putting it into words seems an impossible feat? So much perfection... I am going to do my best to describe it to you... The moment I heard the words brain dead in reference to John's condition, my heart seized up. I had to protect myself from the pain we were going to have to endure, the tough decisions that lay ahead. It wasn't so much for myself as it was for my family. My sister needed me to be strong so I had no choice but to push my pain aside for the time being.  I remember being so scared of how things would play out that day.  You don't understand the fear like that of seeing a tiny little person you love hooked up to life support, so very fragile and broken.  You don't understand the fear like that of knowing you have to walk away without him. Forever. You don't understand the fear like that of having to watch that tiny person's mother hold him as his ...

Ages 11 months to 13 years and they loved to play together! Dustin said something to me one night that has resonated with me since. He told me that one of the hardest parts about losing John to him, was that Evan lost what was supposed to be his life long best friend. He told me how he loved growing up with a brother to play with. John was supposed to be his buddy, his 'get into trouble and giggle' playmate. He was the only other boy in a swarm of girls. They should be elbows deep in the Christmas tree together, rearranging Grammy's Christmas village... We are all consumed in our lives and trying to deal with our grief right now. Sometimes it is hard to think outside of your own heartache and remember that there are others around you trying to deal with this tragedy themselves. Among us, there are the far more innocent and confused...our babies. The ones that are still here, living, in a very hard and confusing time. We forget in the midst of the sadness that they hav...

I read a Huffington Post blog written by Heather Hucks  titled "Dear NICU Nurse"  and it brought me to tears. I sat on my front porch and cried for her, as I have cried so many times for myself these past few months. It wasn't tears of sadness though, it was tears of joy. Their baby made it, he fought and they fought...and he won! Tucker was a premature baby born at 24 weeks...and this mother shares an amazing bond with some of the most amazing people.  We share a similar bond, only we share it with PICU nurses. I have mentioned the PICU nurses a couple of times in previous blogs, but after reading this heart felt story about the NICU nurses, I knew I had to share our experiences with some of the strongest people we have ever met. Over the course of the two days that John was in the hospital we met so many doctors, nurses, and people that I could never name any one person specifically. I don't know their names, but I would know their faces in a crowded room, and t...

We all knew that the holidays were going to be rough this year. Our family is a little broken now that a major piece is missing, and we just can't get into the holiday spirit. Dustin and I are making an effort at home because our babies aren't going to suffer our sadness. We've hung our outdoor Christmas lights, and we plan on getting a tree this weekend. We always go to Kandy Kane Christmas Treeland in Anthony, Fl . It has become another tradition for our family.  John's face in this picture! Kandy Kane really is a charming and sweet experience to share with your family. It is a family owned and operated business. We know the owner's personally which makes the experience all the more richer for us. The farm is actually located a football fields length across from the spot where John is buried. Anthony is a small town, but it is our home. And it really is where our hearts are now. Photo courtesy of Kandy Kane. When you make your way onto Kandy Kane th...

The day John was born...so handsome. I did not know that it was possible for my heart to break again. It has been broken so many times these past couple of months. I share these intimate moments because writing is therapeutic to me, and because I want everyone to understand our grief. To feel like they can share their story in a world where we are all too often told to hold it in for fear of making someone uncomfortable. When Angela shares in her grief, be it social media or text, it breaks my heart all over again. We will never know the depth of her pain. No words she writes will ever truly convey her despair, and it truly hurts my heart. "Enough with the camera lady!" We are there for her, but it's not enough. It's not him. We will never know just how much she aches for him. And that's devastating. We can't help her, all we can do is be there when it hurts the hardest. When she physically needs us to help hold her together. But we can't give h...

I stopped to see a little spot of dirt today, And it was only for a minute. I cried and said I was sorry, For not protecting you that day. It's a tiny little patch. Freshly dug; no stone to mark its place. Sometimes I can't find any comfort there, Other times, I remember your sweet face. There is no solace to be found, At this little patch of dirt, For our hearts are broke, And lay beside you in the ground. -Aunt Wizza I miss him so much. I really do. Every now and then Angela will send me a message, or a picture of John, and I remember again that while my heartache is great, hers is so much greater. She will celebrate her birthday tomorrow, without him. And she is feeling it. We all do. The holidays and special events...well...our hearts just aren't in it this year. We are trying, we have to for our babies, but it is hard to find happy in such a dark time. I did stop to see John the other day. For a brief moment. I don't stay too long, it's s...

Yesterday marked the 2 month anniversary since John passed away. That is eight weeks since we held him last...            ... 60 days since we saw him last...               ... 1,464 hours since we had our last kiss...                  ... 87,840 minutes since we held you close...                     ... 5,270,400 seconds of complete and utter heart break. It feels like an eternity. It is all still so unreal. I spent the day with Angela yesterday, just she and I. It was a really nice day considering where we have landed in life. We had a wonderful lunch together, did a ton of laundry, and just enjoyed each other's company. Angela lives with our parents, and they decided to go on a day trip, leaving her home alone yesterday. She is fine to be alone, but no one realized that it was the 2 month anniversary. It...

It has been seven weeks since John passed. Seven weeks that feel more like ten years. Only seven weeks. In that short amount of time so much has happened, and so much has changed. It has only been seven weeks since I held John last, but it feels like I never got the chance to hold him at all. It scares me to realize just how quickly we moved on. Not in the sense that we have left our baby behind, but more like we just went on with life. Almost as if he had never been here. And it happened so quickly. I think about him constantly, I know we all do. But it is like he is this little shadow in the past. Was here, but never really here. I don't know how to put into words the feeling I have when I think about him being gone. Heartbroken. Confused. But there is this other feeling I can't shake. This feeling like every day we don't have him, is one day further away from his existence. I know he was real. I know he existed. I bear the pain of his loss. I held his squis...

Every year, since Scarlett's first Halloween, we have made a trip to Dunnellon in Florida to the Pickin' Patch . This is a great place to take your family and enjoy some fall festivities. They have live pumpkins on the vine that you can cut yourself to take home and decorate. They also have a hayride, hay slides for kids, a corn maze, a sunflower field, and all kinds of good fun for the family. They have it set up beautifully for photo opportunities as well. I always make sure to take advantage of the scenery to get snaps of the kids. It is priced so affordably that it is more than worth the trip. Anyone three and up is $3.00 and the pumpkins range from $4.00 to $30.00 plus. They have ornamental pumpkins, jack-o-lantern pumpkins, sunflowers, white pumpkins (which are BEAUTIFUL), and they also sell gourds. There are rows upon rows of pumpkins! The kids love it! It's become a tradition for our family. This year would have been John's first trip. He was so tiny a...

G rowing up, Angela and Virginia, were awful towards me. They were mean and picked on me. I was the baby so it was their job I suppose. I share this hoping that if you were the baby, you can sympathize with me, and if you were an older sibling...well you probably laughed and nodded. Older siblings are evil. Intrinsic truth. Just kidding, but not really. But for as mean as they were, I always knew someone had my back. No matter what happened I had two allies in my corner at all times. And people knew that they were mean, so I never had to use them as the guard dogs they were. They might have been mean to me...but no one else would ever get away with it. And because there were three girls, our Dad raised us to be tough and opinionated. It bites him in the ass to this day.  Angela and I were close coming up because we were closer in age, so we had more in common. We played with similar toys. Enjoyed outdoor adventures. As we aged and began to figure out who we were, we didn't spen...

How do we say goodbye when we had just begun to say hello? I don't want to say goodbye. We shouldn't have ever had to say goodbye. Since we lost John, this thought runs through my head. This and "why". We were just beginning to learn who John was, who he was going to be. I dream about him being an adult and what he would have looked like. I've actually had the same dream of him as an adult twice since he passed. I dream that there is a tall and broad shouldered man standing in front of me on what looks like a beach pier. He seems a little intimidating at first and when I ask him who he is and what he wants...he just smiles. The sweetest most breathtaking baby face smile. I know, as soon as he smiles, who he is. He is handsome and built like a tank. (Side note: I guess since John was always off the growth charts, and we assumed he was going to be a big boy...that plays into my dreams.) As soon as he smiles I feel his warmth and love rush over me, feel that ru...

I keep hearing myself say over and over again, "Some days are just going to be tougher than others." Understatement of the year. I have started and erased the beginning of this blog about four times now. I have a direction I want to go with it, but our life doesn't seem to be getting any easier to write about. I want to share our story , from my perspective at least, so that John isn't just a name on a stone, but a person. A baby we want to share with the world, even if the world has a hard time talking about him. I don't understand why talking about John makes people so uncomfortable. Okay...maybe it is the blubbering and tears that make people uncomfortable, but we WANT to talk about our baby. Talking about him keeps his smile alive in our memories, when the bad ones start to seep in. Talking about him helps put another little piece of tape on our shattered hearts. Talking about him lets the world know how incredible our little man was when all people wa...