Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Glamour and Growing Babies

I text-ed myself the title of this blog last night in hopes of remembering what it was supposed to be about...and once again I have forgotten. I am sure it went something like this...

There is nothing glamorous about growing a child inside of you.

Don't get me wrong, it is amazing.

We as women are magnificent creatures. We are capable of so many tremendous things that men can't even begin to wrap their heads around, let alone their bodies. If men understood just how difficult making a baby was (more difficult than just their donation anyways) I think life as an expectant mother would be soooooo much easier!

I have created a list of the top 5 not so glamorous sides of having a baby...that all men should have to go through...

1) Super. Freaking. Sore. Nipples.!!!
For some reason the first few weeks of pregnancy are hectic on boobies, or more in particular...nipples. They hurt. They swell. They itch. They hurt. They swell. They itch. You get the point. But men do not. To them they are still "Fun Bags" to be pinched and tweaked at their delight.

2) Morning sickness and food aversion!
I hate morning sickness. I would rather have explosive diarrhea for a week than throw up once...call me crazy. And to wake up every morning sick and dizzy is like a living nightmare to me (thankfully now passed). But worse of all was thinking "Mmm I could go for some Mexican Chicken..." and cooking it, only to be repulsed by it once it was done. Then watching Dustin eat it all up.

3) The need to pee every 20 minutes!
Okay so maybe this is usual for me even when not pregnant, I drink a ton of water. But Dustin...I swear he goes all day and pees ONCE! And then picks on me for going all the time. I would love to see him making as many pit stops as I do because he has a little person using his bladder for a trampoline.

4) Trying to be discrete about your toxic fog farts!
I am not a gassy person, but when pregnant, all women can clear a room in 0.5 seconds with a fart. They are rancid and part of the norm unfortunately. I don't know what it is about babies that makes us so gassy...but it is horrid and embarrassing. While most men fart and don't care, even pregnant farts would make them think twice before letting one out in a crowded room.

5)And the one you've been waiting for...LABOR!
Every man should have to go through the painful, sticky, bloody part of pregnancy known as labor. They should have to endure hours of contractions, constant poking and prodding, and the lovely aftermath. The best part of labor is when it ends. Any woman that says it was easy breezy is lying. And we all know how nasty we feel for the few weeks after. That is a yuck you can't seem to wash away until it ends. And don't be ashamed to say so...we all feel that way. Men. Well, they don't. They will never know that pain or that unclean feeling. Side story:
       A few days after we brought our baby girl home in 2011 Dustin wanted to go see his family.          I did not feel like going any where. There is a underlying fear of leaving home, not only because of   baby, but because you are bleeding like someone ripped you open...oh wait...someone did. Anyways. I  said no. He kept pushing. Finally I very bluntly told him that I did not want to leave the comforts of my home when my va-jay-jay was sore, bleeding erratically, and more than comfy on my couch. He shut up and left well enough alone. (Sorry to blast ya babe!)

Men will NEVER...I repeat Never know what it takes to grow a baby. All they see is their beautiful wives or women at what is the most beautiful time in her life. They see a glow, blossoming breasts, a wider rear, and hopefully a vamped up sex drive. All we see is darkening spots, sore breasts, our clothes not fitting, and a bed with an open invitation all day.

All that said I love what my body is capable of. I love feeling my little man squirming off and on all day. I love knowing that I am bringing another beautiful person into this world. But most of all I love knowing that I can hold this over Dustin's head for the rest of our lives...because nothing he does will ever be so amazing!